what if the ones who break your heart are those who supposed to make you believe in love?

I know I'm going to make it, and so will you.

The world keep moving,
and I hope it doesn't leave me behind.
At least I hope I can catch up
with the others who are times ahead.

routine

birthday is always the worst. at least for me personally.
i mean i'm very thankful for everyone who help me celebrate my "one-year-closer-to-death" day, but you know it's just me.
i put high expectations for people to give me wishes on this particular day, once a year.
i don't like surprises, but i like proper wishes.
it's just that they kept disappointing me. always.
so i tried to get away once a year, so that i don't feel disappointed. overall, this is at least the only day that i should feel happy.
i'm really sorry for this writing. i know it's a mess. but i'm currently very hungry and tired. and really sad. right fucking now, i tried to hold back my tears in public.
duh wish me luck xx

numb

i guess i was never numb.
i was never feel nothing,
in fact i was always feel everything at once.
it's just that i feel like shit all the time,
even at my prime condition.
and it's been way too long that i haven't feel love and being loved.
i guess yeah i am not afraid to walk this world alone,
but for once i want to love again.
or just feel something real.
i don't really demand happiness, because i guess it's just too much to ask from the world.
because i'm afraid that one day
i will not feel guilty for waking up, not afraid if i was asleep or dead.

I dont pretend, I do care for her for she was me when I was 5 years ago. Lost. And thought no one was there for me.
So I swallowed all those pills.
And I was lost, and alone, and nobody cared.
But I didn't die.
And I'm grateful.
And no one should have to -die for it.

Blue

1. You can't always expect the world to reciprocate your favor.
2. It is not always "you reap what you sow".
3. You always have to be ready to be disappointed.
4. Life doesn't always work the way you wanted.
5. Don't set the bar too high, (back to number 3).
6. You can only rely on yourself.
7. Don't expect other people to fulfill your standard.
8. The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters.
9. It will past, it's not going to last forever (good/bad).
10. Don't make a federal case out of it.
11. Even people who are very close to you will let you down.
12. Some people don't value friendship and that's okay.
13. You are not a book, people can't read you.
14. It's okay to not forgive somebody.

Questions:
Do people deserve second chance?
Does life deserve second chance?

Personal struggle (a sin)

Yesterday i was at my dad's house. I've never been this depressed and frustrated in a long time for no reasons. Or I guess, it was just the presence of my dad that overwhelmed me. I was crying all day in silence - in the very same place my sister felt the misery all those years ago. It felt like i was living her traumatic past.

In those despairs, i wrote, or at least, tried to write my suicide note. I always thought that it was going to be a complex and a long note; explaining what happened on my mind this whole time, my insecurities, gratitude to those who positively affecting my life, apologies to those whom I've hurt and the reasons why I did what I did. But turns out, it was just a short nothingness.

I was so disappointed to myself. Even at my last breath, I couldn't be that significant. People won't remember that short note, i thought. And the day after my funeral, they will just do their things and go back to the normal life. Just wait until two or three weeks, they will completely abandon your once-existence - and your suicide note. And believe me, you; the fear of being insignificant in this world was the only reason that prevent me to do things that I thought I was about to do.

And I sincerely hope that's enough to keep me going for the rest of my life.

My mind is a wind but it is a tornado; a mobile, destructive vortex of violently rotating winds
It is a rain and a snow and a storm
A tsunami in the midst of quiet waves
A brain that is constantly on fire

this doesnt make any sense but we'll see

i want to fall in love again to be inspired
i want to fall in love again just to sit with you in between the trees
i want to fall in love again so i have a reason to live
i want to fall in love again and feeling optimistic
i want to fall in love again that i always feel i have to tell you everytime i go
i want to fall in love again like it was the first time
i want to fall in love again then having a mental breakdown because all the jealousy
i want to fall in love again, having mental breakdown, and apologize to you all the time
i want to fall in love again in order to be possessive rather than being too loose over everything else
i want to fall in love again while the first snows of winter fell
i want to fall in love again for it is the only thing that would save me
i want to fall in love again but i also want to fall in love with myself first
i want to fall in love again or just having that ticklish feeling in my belly when i think about you
i want to fall in love again yet i dont want to fall too deep
i want to fall in love again if it makes me feel alive
i want to fall in love again only if it doesnt take the part of me
i want to fall in love again whether you fall back for me or not
i want to fall in love again as much as romeo and juliet
i want to fall in love again whereas the form of love itself could cut your heart
i want to fall in love again although it is just a vain
i want to fall in love again even though it makes me want to die
i want to fall in love again after all that i have been through
i want to fall in love again though it makes no sense
i want to fall in love again whatever the reasons
i want to fall in love again by the time it gets dark
i want to fall in love again now that everything feels so wrong
i want to fall in love again as if it my last day
i want to fall in love again till death do us part
i want to fall in love again before it is too late
i want to fall in love again whenever i want
i want to fall in love again until i fell asleep in your arms when we were cuddling
i want to fall in love again with whomever i please
i want to fall in love again in case tomorrow is doomsday
i want to fall in love again because i have to

and i have to fall in love again just to feel.

i've been having a very destructive thoughts lately. and they were more destructive than before.